Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
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