i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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