I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
I said "one day" and that day is not today
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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