Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
Randomize
