He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
Did I show you my penis last night?
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Randomize
