Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
