It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
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