I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Randomize
