a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
Randomize