I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
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