I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
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