i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
