end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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