if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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