We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
Randomize
