I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
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