just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
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