I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize