Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
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