I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Randomize
