umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Randomize
