I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
you inspire me to be a worse person
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize
