Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize