please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
Randomize
