Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
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