Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
Randomize
