guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Randomize
