btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
