did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
Come see our sink grown plant.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Randomize
