I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
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