Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Randomize
