hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
