Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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