Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
