I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
