I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Randomize
