I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
