I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
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