I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
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