that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Randomize