Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Randomize
