bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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