I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
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