He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
May the power of my ass compel you!!
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
