My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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