In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Where is the hickey?
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
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