I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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