apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
whose ass print is on the piano?
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Randomize
