I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
