why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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