bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Randomize
