scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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