Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Well I just put wine in my tea
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
