apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
I was in a gas station that sold tazers and I just saw a billboard that said "Strippers, need we say more?" God I love Georgia!
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
Randomize
