are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Randomize
