Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
I wish they made helmets for livers.
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Randomize
