I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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