I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
