Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
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