Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
do guys with small dicks even attempt to pursue romantic relationships?
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
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