I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
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