Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Randomize
